Morning is chaos. The sun that enters your room might as well be an airhorn. It’s jarring. I know how brutal it can be… waking up, that is. But stress no longer. I’ve done my research. It’s backed up by science. Real science. I didn’t necessarily get it from a scholarly journal though. Nor a book. Nor a doctor. Instead, I got it from my guy, Rex, who crafted my Turkey Sub on Wheat earlier. He seemed wise beyond his years. And I trust Rex like I trust my gynaecologist. After all, what he said was probably backed up by science!
Plus, my qualifications should be more than enough to convince you.
For starters, I’m on the internet. Thus, I’m legit. Not just anyone can write something online. Only the select few, the haves, know how to type and hit publish. Second, I’ve woken up nearly every single day this year. Come to think of it, I’ve woken up nearly every day for almost three decades. I know what I’m talking about! So let’s get into it. If you want to have a solid morning, do the following seven things as soon as you wake up.*
Eat a handful of raw squash
If you’re not eating a handful of raw squash first thing each morning, I honestly don’t know how you’ve made this far. Squash is the catalyst to starting your day right. If you’re without morning squash, if you’re squash-less, you need to get some. Walk over to your local farmland. Collect a pile of ripe squash. The color doesn’t matter. Just make sure it’s squash and not cucumber. Cucumber always tries to find its way into the pile. Don’t fall victim to cucumber imposters.
Once home, go to bed. It doesn’t matter if it’s still dawn. Go to bed. When you wake up the next day, grab the squashiest squash in the bunch. Rip out a handful of its squashy meat. Consume the handful of said squash. Then watch as your morning unfolds into squashy paradise.
Meditate for three hours
You need to meditate for at least three hours each morning. If you don’t, you’re basically asking for a bad day. Immediately upon waking up, walk over to your bamboo mat. Kneel upon it. Take a deep breath in. No, bigger. No, bigger. Take the deepest breath you could possibly imagine. There you go. Now hold it. Hold it… hold it… almost done… keep holding it… good. Now exhale. Feel your lush morning breath dump out of you. Pour it out like the little teapot you are.
Now do it again. And again. And again. Do it for at least three hours. If you need to wake up earlier, be my guest. I’ve personally been waking up each day at two. I’ve never felt more oxygenated in my whole life.
Make your bed into the shape of a swan
As soon as you wake up, release a loud scream. As you do, imagine a swan taking flight. Channel that swan. Be that swan. You are the swan. Get up. Go into the shed. Find your axe. Sharpen the axe. Return to your bed. Take axe to bed. Literally. Chop your bed into pieces. They should be small, jagged things.
From the shards, construct a swan out of your bed’s remains. Form the wing. Construct the neck. Rip up your sheets. Use them for feathers. Take extra care to sculpt the beak. Once finished, stare the bed-swan in the face. Release a loud swan scream once more. Wait for the bed-swan to return the call.
Milk a local goat. Promptly consume the milk.
When the sun hits your face, get up. Waste no time. Run out the door. Find a local goat. It shouldn’t take long. My sandwich guy, Rex, has plenty roaming his estate. You can find some there. Wrap the goat in a loving embrace. Look westward. There will be a mountain before you. Carry the goat up the mountain. Eventually, you will reach a bridge. Cross it. Be careful to avoid the troll and his riddles three.
At the mountain’s peak, place the goat atop the milking stone. Swiftly milk the goal. Place the milk into a bottle. Place a wax seal over the bottle. Shake the bottle. More. More shaking. Keep going. Good. Remove the wax seal. Consume all but one ounce of the goat’s milk. You’ll need to give the remaining milk to the troll in order to cross the bridge home.
Hide your phone in a place you’ll never find it
Open your eyes. It’s morning. Get out of bed. Grab your phone. Begin to pace. More pacing. Good. Go into the garage. Grab the ladder. Bring the ladder into the hall. Set up the ladder. Climb the ladder. Push on the attic opening, thus opening the attic. Hoist yourself into the attic. Roll around in the insulation. More rolling. Great.
Find the air duct. Climb into it. Do a quick shout. Note if there’s an echo. There won’t be. Perfect. Make your way through the duct. Keep going. Look down through the vent. Witness something you shouldn’t have seen. Have the vent give way. Crash upon the scene below you. Barely escape with your life. Once outside, place your phone next to a tree. Walk away. Forget where you put it.
Listen to a Ted Talk *Find someone named Ted first
Immediately each morning, reach over and grab your yellow phone book. Turn to the T section. Work your way through the list. When you find someone named Ted, promptly call him. You’ll reach his voicemail. Leave a long, meandering message. Continue through the list. At the next Ted, place another call. This time, make sure it’s collect.
When Ted answers, be silent. Listen to his wisdom. Jot down his every word. He won’t give you much time. Appreciate the Ted time you get. As soon as he hangs up, transcribe everything you heard onto your laptop. Then take the Ted Talk and share it as a status update on LinkedIn.
Write thank-you notes for future gifts
Before you get dressed for the day, get out your stationery set. In your best calligraphy, write at least nine dozen thank-you notes. Be sure they are addressed to people you haven’t met yet. Thank them for gifts you haven’t yet received. For the new toaster you expect any day now. For the glassware set you will be so tickled pink to be given.
Place the notes into individual envelopes. Address them to Santa’s Workshop in the North Pole. He’ll know what to do with them. Before sending them out though, run down to your local post office. If they’re not open yet, politely knock on the window until someone responds to you. If it takes a couple hours, so be it. The notes need to go out today.
Things you should do immediately each morning
Don’t do any of those things. In fact, don’t do anything in the morning you don’t want to do. Just because an Olympian wakes up at three doesn’t mean you should. Just because an actor drinks green juice for breakfast doesn’t mean you have to. Personally, I check my email first thing each morning. That goes against every piece of productivity advice out there. I don’t care. I check it because I like to.
Make your morning into what you want it to be. If you like leisurely starts, create a leisurely routine for yourself. If you like to get up and go, then get up and go. Listen to yourself. If it sounds appealing, do it. If it doesn’t, don’t. But whatever you do, don’t let a random stranger dictate how you start your day.
*This article is entirely satirical. Don’t do anything outlined here.